Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Have I gone cuckoo? At what point did I think that it might be a good idea to empty my handbag? PART 3

Compartment 3... hello old friend. How nice for us to be reacquainted. You are last, but by no means least important. Like your brothers, you were full. However, you have let me down. Horror of horrors! There was no money in you. Nothing! Nothing at all. 67p cumulative bag profit is all I have amassed. Not to worry- it could have been less. It could have been just 66p after all.

But anyway, I shan't keep you waiting any longer:

COMPARTMENT 3
  • Two thirds of a box of (horrible) throat sweets. Donated missing third to Dad during his bout of illness.
  • What is called: 'A Day Out First Aid Kid', with added antibacterial hand wipes (I purchased them because you can never be too safe). Please note, I am NOT a hypochondriac (though this does nothing to endorse that claim. Just trust me).
  • Another empty sunglasses case. Another? I didn't even realise this was in there. Oh wait... I remember. I couldn't find my sunglasses case as it was hiding in compartment 2 so I removed Mum's shades and 'borrowed' her case. (Please note: I use the word 'borrow' in the loosest sense of the word. The dictionary may define it as intending to return something you have taken, but I have interpreted that as meaning taking an item of little sentimental value and taking it out on an unestablished 'semi-permanent loan'. By which I mean, if Mum were to approach me and ask me for it back I would duly return her shade-hideout, but as no such meeting has been issued, I am safe... (Until now that is. Mum, if you're reading this, I promise to return said borrowing. If you're not, forget I mentioned anything- forget this conversation ever took place). Anyway, what I have come to call my interpretation of the dictionary- used more as guide than a reference, is a Mildredism. That's right: this case has been Mildredised.
  • A diary that I was given for Christmas. Am yet to write in it. (Is only in my bag for appearances sake- thought it would make me look a bit more sophisticated. That plan hasn't really worked as nobodies seen it).
  • Two different tubes of cream- one specifically for the face and the other for the face AND body. (I wondered where they'd got to). Purpose of said creams? Well, they were useful if I stayed at the (ex-)boyfriend's as he did not possess said items.
  • A sheet of Kirby grips- bought in preparation for Graduation. Ahhh, Graduation. Remind me to tell you about that story one day (it's a stonking good'un).
  • Two different sorts of eye make-up sharpeners, put into my bag when I emptied out my uni house because I thought that my handbag would be the safest place. Obviously. So safe in fact, I forgot that I even had them.
  • Eleven receipts... That sounds really bad I confess, but some of them are as much as five months old... That sounds even worse. Really, I should have here lied to you and said that there was only a couple- one even, but in keeping with the spirit of truth-telling that I have adhered to, I am being totally honest.
  • Three pens- two blue and one pink. Reason unknown.
  • Several loose tampons. Reason evident.
  • A notebook- almost empty- 'borrowed'/ semi-permanently loaned, from Mum. She doesn't know.
  • Another bus ticket.
  • A cinema stub.
  • The reservation number for a hotel in London, written down on a fluorescent pink post-it because I couldn't access a printer. (Beneath the number, there is also a hand drawn (very un-proportioned) map with the hotel's precise location- or as precise as I could make it on a 8x5 cm post-it).
  • A...
Nope, just messing with you there. That's it. The entire contents of my handbag listed for your delectability. (Read it well, for I shall NEVER embark upon such an exercise ever again. It is FAR TOO TIME CONSUMING).

But onto morals. Are there any? Why yes indeedy.
  • Though medicine may taste nasty, it must do so, so that we do not penchant a liking for it and decide to substitute it for REAL sweets. If it's really grim, pass it onto a father (preferably your own), as they tend to endorse the motto: 'waste not, want not.'
  • When moving bedrooms/ house, it is always advisable to create a list of items and where they are temporarily being housed. I say this from experience. Otherwise, you will end up with more eye pencil sharpeners than the amount of eyes that you have. I should know- I now own four.
So, I would like to end the final instalment of 'Have I gone cuckoo?' with one final thought of the previous few days:

I am...
... thinking how much easier life would be if I had a much smaller handbag as I would never lose things (specifically keys). More to the point, why not make like a regular chappie and condense all the essentials into one pocket sized wallet? Though, as good an idea as this may be, it is potentially highly perplexing in practice. Unless, I can patent the first genuine wallet-purse inspired by Mary Poppin's handbag: one that has infinite amounts of space inside. Yes, that would be good.

I'm sorry I can't stay any longer, I've got work to do. I'm off to create an invention that will revolutionise the way we live. Well, I'm off to at least TRY to create an invention that will revolutionise the way we live.

4 comments:

  1. Hi Mildred, great to see you doing so well although wrestling with morals is kinda tough. When your Dad and I flew together (Nam was out of the way) he used to say he thought you'd be a gymnast; well he got that wrong again just like I did taht final entry at Heathrow (ahh them poor people)

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  2. Hi Pilot Butler- do I still call you that after all these years? I guess so... I mean, Dad is sometimes better known as Pilot Dad, so yes, Pilot Butler it is! I remember Dad telling us about Heathrow- seems like a long time ago now! And yes, I did show some promise- gymnastically that is, but those days are long since gone... though I can still touch my toes, so that's a good thing!

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  3. Mildred,
    your handbag sounds exactly the same as mine, I sympathise. Today I found a rogue mini egg rolling around the bottom of it.
    Good luck with the new streamlined handbag!

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  4. Ahhh Laura, I'm glad that I have found a fellow offender. Rogue mini egg! Cripes, just imagine the devestation if you hadn't found it... Perhaps the time has come for a bag overview for you? I have to tell you, I am totally loving the new tiddly bag. I never thought I would, but sometimes I surprise even myself.

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