Quite amusing really, but I must repeat this title as yesterday, someone sat and snored throughout my concert... Please tell me: am I really that bad?!
I repeat this title as I dedicate this blog to any musicians who have ever experienced the misfortune of having someone fall asleep and then proceed to snore throughout their recital. Yesterday, this is what happened to me.
Okay, I'll admit that I'm not playing rock music or anything like that... but still, there are some concert rules of etiquette one should abide by. I'd say that the first is quite possibly also the last: simply stay awake. This is a rule that appeared to have bypassed this man who- to make life easier (as there are many men this could be), we shall call Norman.
Yesterday, my concert was fairly traditional in content. It featured some of the greats- Mozart, Beethoven, Elgar, McManus (me) and of course, Henry the Eighth. Now don't get me wrong- it wasn't boring at all. I had that audience in the palm of my hand- one moment they were laughing (which is a good thing); the next they were crying (which- in case you were unsure, is a good thing). I was in my element, entertaining them and regaling them with tales of my misfortune in between pieces (which- in case you didn't realise, is also a good thing as it makes the audience like you... I think... I hope!).
I was having a wonderful time- as were the audience. I didn't feel like I was working (that means it's going well) and I hadn't yet laddered my tights (a good sign). Life was tickety-boo.
At least it was tickety-boo until the evening was interrupted by Norman and his gigantic snort. It was a like a beacon of sound that signalled an unyielding steady rumblicious and continuous sound. I simply raised my eyebrows in surprise; but playing to an intimate audience in a hotel, I wasn't really in a position to put an end to Norman's roadwork impressions. I was simply going to leave that to one of the other guests. You know, they'd complain and he'd stop.
But to my immense surprise, nobody said anything! Either they were too polite or too embarrassed on Norman's behalf. Even his wife didn't give him a friendly prod. No no, she simply cast a sureptitious glance around the room, picked up her handbag and gave her husband one last pitying look as she crossed to the other side of the room. Then she sat down, took a sip of her drink and turned to me; "As you were dear", as if she couldn't hear a thing. Maybe she couldn't. Maybe Norman wasn't even her husband. I don't know, but what I do know is that I still had 24 and a half minutes left to fill with this lawnmower in the background.
So, following the lead of the audience, I simply ignored Norman and pretended I couldn't hear a thing. I have to admit, that was quite a feat- especially when Norman was louder than the piano. Yep, that took some professional pretending that did.
I even tried some old-school techniques... You know, playing a couple of quieter numbers to relax the audience, followed by a super-duper loud blast of loudness in the hope that this would startle Norman back into life. But no, not a peep. I'm telling you now, this man was sleeping like it was going out of fashion. He was snoozing like his life depended on it, but more than anything, he was making me look bad... Thanks Norm.
Anyway, anyway, anyway, as any musician will know, the golden rule of performance is to just keep going (though I'm sure that's also the general rule of life). So I kept going until the end, when my finale was met with rapturous applause. As the audience were leaving, I went through the obligatory chit-chat that usually follows a performance, often complete with several bonus handshakes. This is the moment of total irony- wait for it... Norman came up to me and proceeded to tell me what a wonderful time he'd had- how much he'd enjoyed the music and blah blah blah. Then he shook my hand and gave it a rather cheeky squeeze, before thanking me for giving him the best nights sleep he'd had in a fortnight. Then he walked off. Thank you Norman.
I don't think I have anything else left to say. Once again, Norman has left me speechless.
Mildred x
PS If you are a musician and this happens to you, don't worry. Apparently it's a compliment...
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