Back to school for me

At the ripe age of 25, I suddenly find myself going back to school. If you'd have told  me this was going to be the case a couple of months ago, I would never have believed you. But it seems that fate has intervened and I am set to find myself back in the classroom as a student once more.

Home will be wherever I may be. I am going to be taking a leaf from the life of the humble snail and live with my world in a shell- well, a rucksack at least.

I have been given the opportunity to study Screen Acting for the next year- which I am greatly excited about. I'm going to learn how to be a professional actress for film and television. But I'm also going to learn loads of other stuff too. I would tell you what, but I'm not going to as I'm not even sure of everything yet. Wait one more week and I'll be able to give you more facts when I've started. I do know that 'other stuff' includes bits and bobs like screenwriting, screen combat (eek!!), martial arts and lots of behind the scenes stuff too. I'm not going to lie: one of the things I am greatly looking forward to is being able to hold that clapper board and say 'aaaannnnnd ACTION!' (completed with an elongated 'and'. It wouldn't be right otherwise).

 

Anyway, this is the part that I've been dying to tell you about. My school uniform consists of- well... nothing. Don't take that the wrong way- I'm not naked. I will be fully clothed. However, what I wear is entirely up to me. So, I have a few wardrobe staples that are sure to cement my credentials as a master geek. These include:

• proper walking boots (it's a nice morning trek to get to the train station), complete with a dark green paint splodge that I managed to bestow upon them when I was painting the shed for Dave.
• a fully functioning waterproof rucksack. I just don't know what I've been thinking all these years. I mean, there I've been fighting the need for one and yet, they have gloriously cushioned arm loops, way more space than a regular handbag and space for precious cargo such as a laptop. Dad- you've been recommending a rucksack since forever. From now on I hear you partner- I'm in your corner.  
• a waterproof coat (in white of course, so I'll always show up). It also happens to be super warm. Gone are the days of wearing a thin jacket whilst shivering with cold, reassuring anyone that asks through your chattering teeth 'of course I'm warm'.
• other miscellaneous clothing that you wear underneath your coat. I don't think I need to go into details here.

I'm taking two suitcases with me for the next two months and my rucksack. So far I've managed to pack one suitcase. Unfortunately it doesn't contain a single item of clothing. Instead it is filled with carefully selected books and therefore very heavy. I'm sure I'll get round to sorting my clothes. Eventually. 

As I've been preparing myself for this new chapter in my life, I've realised that life is a journey that is made for living. So that is exactly what I am going to do.

Have I gone cuckoo? At what point did I think that it might be a good idea to empty my handbag? PART 3

Compartment 3... hello old friend. How nice for us to be reacquainted. You are last, but by no means least important. Like your brothers, you were full. However, you have let me down. Horror of horrors! There was no money in you. Nothing! Nothing at all. 67p cumulative bag profit is all I have amassed. Not to worry- it could have been less. It could have been just 66p after all.

But anyway, I shan't keep you waiting any longer:

COMPARTMENT 3

• Two thirds of a box of (horrible) throat sweets. Donated missing third to Dad during his bout of illness.
• What is called: 'A Day Out First Aid Kid', with added antibacterial hand wipes (I purchased them because you can never be too safe). Please note, I am NOT a hypochondriac (though this does nothing to endorse that claim. Just trust me).
• Another empty sunglasses case. Another? I didn't even realise this was in there. Oh wait... I remember. I couldn't find my sunglasses case as it was hiding in compartment 2 so I removed Mum's shades and 'borrowed' her case. (Please note: I use the word 'borrow' in the loosest sense of the word. The dictionary may define it as intending to return something you have taken, but I have interpreted that as meaning taking an item of little sentimental value and taking it out on an unestablished 'semi-permanent loan'. By which I mean, if Mum were to approach me and ask me for it back I would duly return her shade-hideout, but as no such meeting has been issued, I am safe... (Until now that is. Mum, if you're reading this, I promise to return said borrowing. If you're not, forget I mentioned anything- forget this conversation ever took place). Anyway, what I have come to call my interpretation of the dictionary- used more as guide than a reference, is a Mildredism. That's right: this case has been Mildredised.
• A diary that I was given for Christmas. Am yet to write in it. (Is only in my bag for appearances sake- thought it would make me look a bit more sophisticated. That plan hasn't really worked as nobodies seen it).
• Two different tubes of cream- one specifically for the face and the other for the face AND body. (I wondered where they'd got to). Purpose of said creams? Well, they were useful if I stayed at the (ex-)boyfriend's as he did not possess said items.
• A sheet of Kirby grips- bought in preparation for Graduation. Ahhh, Graduation. Remind me to tell you about that story one day (it's a stonking good'un).
• Two different sorts of eye make-up sharpeners, put into my bag when I emptied out my uni house because I thought that my handbag would be the safest place. Obviously. So safe in fact, I forgot that I even had them.
• Eleven receipts... That sounds really bad I confess, but some of them are as much as five months old... That sounds even worse. Really, I should have here lied to you and said that there was only a couple- one even, but in keeping with the spirit of truth-telling that I have adhered to, I am being totally honest.
• Three pens- two blue and one pink. Reason unknown.
• Several loose tampons. Reason evident.
• A notebook- almost empty- 'borrowed'/ semi-permanently loaned, from Mum. She doesn't know.
• Another bus ticket.
• A cinema stub.
• The reservation number for a hotel in London, written down on a fluorescent pink post-it because I couldn't access a printer. (Beneath the number, there is also a hand drawn (very un-proportioned) map with the hotel's precise location- or as precise as I could make it on a 8x5 cm post-it).
• A...

Nope, just messing with you there. That's it. The entire contents of my handbag listed for your delectability. (Read it well, for I shall NEVER embark upon such an exercise ever again. It is FAR TOO TIME CONSUMING).

But onto morals. Are there any? Why yes indeedy.

• Though medicine may taste nasty, it must do so, so that we do not penchant a liking for it and decide to substitute it for REAL sweets. If it's really grim, pass it onto a father (preferably your own), as they tend to endorse the motto: 'waste not, want not.'
• When moving bedrooms/ house, it is always advisable to create a list of items and where they are temporarily being housed. I say this from experience. Otherwise, you will end up with more eye pencil sharpeners than the amount of eyes that you have. I should know- I now own four.

So, I would like to end the final instalment of 'Have I gone cuckoo?' with one final thought of the previous few days:

I am...
... thinking how much easier life would be if I had a much smaller handbag as I would never lose things (specifically keys). More to the point, why not make like a regular chappie and condense all the essentials into one pocket sized wallet? Though, as good an idea as this may be, it is potentially highly perplexing in practice. Unless, I can patent the first genuine wallet-purse inspired by Mary Poppin's handbag: one that has infinite amounts of space inside. Yes, that would be good.

I'm sorry I can't stay any longer, I've got work to do. I'm off to create an invention that will revolutionise the way we live. Well, I'm off to at least TRY to create an invention that will revolutionise the way we live.

Have I gone cuckoo? At what point did I think that it might be a good idea to empty my handbag? PART 2

Hi-dee-hi.

So, having gone through compartment 1 of my bag and assessed how much junk I have accumulated, I understandably earned myself a well deserved break. I couldn't face the prospect of having to do that not just once again, but twice again so soon after my initial findings. I needed time to assess the situation. I needed time to strategise. I needed time to think, to justify, to calm the ever growing rouge in my cheeks. Please tell me: at what point did I think that it might be a good idea to empty my handbag? At what point did I think that it might be sensible to share it with you all? At what point can we deduce that I went totally cuckoo? Well it's a bit late for those questions now...

Here goes again:

COMPARTMENT 2 (the central section that is open to the elements and has no zip fastening).

• My sunglasses, balanced on the top and NOT in their case. Note to self: if sunglasses are not on their mecca (the face), need to remember to replace in case, otherwise that is how I end up breaking/ losing them...
• A used bus ticket.
• A box of Rennie Fruit indigestion tablets because the minty ones are gross. Eugh- just had a taste memory. You see, onions give me a funny tummy and they seem to be in everything (in my head I said that really slowly, but you can't hear that so I'm not sure why I'm telling you...).
• A bus timetable (slightly dog-eared).
• A pocket map of the city where I attended uni. Technically, not as useful as you'd think, because I still can't navigate myself around using this tiny piece of paper with minuscule directions. Don't know why I've kept it because it does nothing in my hopes of creating the illusion that I might just have been, a local Londoner.
• A green butterfly hair clip/ clasp. Very pretty, but no longer very functional as the spring clasp no longer works. Remove from bag and put with other broken hair things that are too nice to discard of. I call this part of my room 'The Hair Stuff Graveyard'. It is most certainly NOT for the fainthearted. (As a separate point of interest, I also happen to have a sock graveyard. This is the place where lost socks come to congregate and wait patiently (but often in vein), to be reunited with their missing partners. Is a very sad place to be as reunions seldom take place).
• Two unused empty envelopes. Unsure as to why.
• A special offer for the cinema and a pizza that I printed off of the Internet. Forgot that it was in bag as do not remember printing. Check expiry date. Phew, still valid.
• A pocket mirror.
• Two almost empty packets of tissues. Scratch that. Make it one almost empty packet of tissues- just finished the other one off.
• Another used bus ticket.
• Three receipts.
• Pink pot of Vaseline- adds a tint to the lips.
• Green pot of Vaseline- does NOT add a tint to the lips. (Major relief). 
• Pot of hand cream that Scott (brother number 2) got me for Christmas. Suspect it may have been on offer as Mum and Grandma also received the same gift from him.
• A stick lip balm that contains SPF15. Does not taste particularly pleasant. Not sure why I have kept it.
• A penny. Shall duly add to the holiday fund.
• Bravo! My sunglasses case. Add sunglasses to their second home.

Evidently, this bag has never seen the light of day since my time at uni... The more I go on, the worse it gets. Do I really want to disclose compartment 3? I'm not sure I do. On the flip side, if I combine all the money that I've find in this section and the previous, I'm up to a grand total of 67p! In today's money, that's probably a years worth of interest on my savings account. Hopefully, I can bolster this amount when I delve into the depths of section 3.

But before I sign off, I am going to leave you with the morals that compartment 2 has unveiled:

• Always have at least one packet of tissues in your handbag, because you never know when you're going to get short. (This was proved to me when I was rifling through and got a minor case of 'the sniffles'. Thank goodness I had some in the bag, otherwise who-knows-what may have happened. Sleeve?..).
• When trying to prove that you are local and indigenous to a specific area, do NOT carry around a map of the area. This gives you away immediately.
• Always have at least one pot of Vaseline in your bag to ensure that you are prepared for all eventualities. (NOTE: I have recently noticed that the range of Vaseline on offer is not only limited to green and pink. It also includes: blue, brown and yellow. As far as I'm aware, these do not tint the lips- or at least I hope they don't... Spot of jaundice? Spot of pneumonia? It's all the range on the catwalks this season)...

Well, until compartment 3. Adios.

Have I gone cuckoo? At what point did I think it might be a good idea to empty my handbag? PART 1

Hello again!

I recently came to the conclusion that I needed to empty my current handbag. At the moment I am sporting the fabulous model that you see in the picture. It consists of three compartments- all too full to perform their maximum functionality.

  
Now, you see, I had to forage for about 3 and a half minutes, just to find a hair clip (but turns out it was no longer in the bag after all. That's 3 and a half minutes of my life I'll never see again. Wasted: gone. Thank you over filled bag).

So, I came to the magnanimous decision to EMPTY said bag- it was getting embarrassing (not to mention heavy)... too many times (to be acceptable) I have handed over an old receipt instead of a note due to my bulging (surprisingly cash-free) purse.

Anyway, I thought it might be interesting to see EXACTLY what was in my bag, and in turn, discover what I actually use. (As it turns out, I don't use very much at all). But anyhow, I thought that you might find it interesting and surprisingly insightful, but please don't think that because I have loads of unnecessary produce (or what my Dad would probably otherwise describe as rubbish), that that means I might be deemed as a bit scatty (though you may already think that), because I like to think that I am a very together, organised young woman. So, here goes:

COMPARTMENT ONE

• A pencil case with a broken zip. Contains a used bus ticket (reason unknown), a highlighter pen (thankfully still in working order), a multipurpose pen that has four different coloured inks in it, a mechanical pencil, a red Biro, a ruler with holes in it (bought like that, not caused by me) and lots of skinny post-it notes that have all come unstuck. Proceed to empty broken pencil case. Put stationary into pen pot and discard of the rest.
• A deodorant spray- convenient for when I stay (or rather, stayed) at the (ex-)boyfriend's. Sometimes he used to borrow it too. (I don't mind telling you that- I always said I'd keep it a secret for him, but since we're no more...).
• A pair of knickers (clean), for if I stay (or rather, stayed) at the (ex-)boyfriend's. Sensible. Dates the last time I emptied this bag (over 9 months ago, but sshhh- don't tell anyone).
• A packet of Olbas oil tissues- some have been used.
• An apparently expensive concealer that came free with a £2 magazine. Will put with make up bits and pieces.
• Another used bus ticket.
• A scientific calculator that I have had for over 10 years. I'm proud (and pleased) to say that the batteries have never been replaced and still work perfectly. When the top is taken off, can quite clearly see my name tip-exed on as an anti-burglar deterrent. Must have worked because I still have it now. Outside is rather battered. Will reinstate on my desk and make use of.
• My keys, all conveniently colour coded for the various different places and things that they do. Kept together with a red heart keyring. Imperative: I MUST NOT LOSE.
• My purse (subject to change). Is currently a dark cream colour with a pink and violet floral pattern on one side. Contains various cards including my now expired university ID, train tickets, receipts, train timetables, stamps, some more used bus tickets, a bit of money, a bus pass, a lottery ticket that didn't win (major disappointment), a used cinema ticket and a hair band. Take action: decide to empty the rubbish and then put 11p of coppers into my holiday fund and 55p of silvers into it too (what a find, I think you'll agree!). Before long I suspect that my £'s will be worth much, much more in €'s, particularly if I keep making regular contributions of 66p or more.
• My make-up bag. Contains: three different colour eyeliners and a highlighter liner, one eye shadow stick in lilac (because my eyes are green and this is supposed to enhance them), two mascaras- one waterproof and the other not, two different sorts of concealers, one under-eye brightener pen and an under-eye soothing balm, two lip glosses (seldom used), tinted moisturiser, foundation (stonkingly expensive but tremendously effective when used on special occasions), liquid blusher, tweezers (purchased in America for 99 cents almost 4 years ago- best tweezers in the world. Ever), two tampons and an earring container with two pairs of pretty studs that I haven't worn. Ever). How much of this do I actually use? Oh, I'd say about 3 products on a daily basis. Sometimes none, but sometimes as much as five. Though in my defence, the media made me think that I needed all this goop/ stuff/ make-up...
• An 'all-in-one face base compact' (pressed powder) by the Body Shop, NOT in my make-up bag. Foolish, very foolish. Bought said product under false pretences. You see, the lady in the shop did one of those free makeover things and used this stuff. Looked really good, so parted ways with my hard-earned money. Could never replicate what the lady did, so the compact has spent a lot of time abandoned in the depths of my very nice bag. Unfortunately, my abandonment is catching up with me because one end of my bag is now coated in the stuff where the powder has broken (probably due to the fact that the bag that houses the compact has been dropped on many occasions on floors that range from carpeted, concreted, grassed, laminated and the floor of the bus- floor material unknown). Must now try to salvage my bag and dispose of the very nice (and expensive), yet unhelpful beauty product. Oh dear.

So, that's compartment 1.

I think, for all our sakes, I'm going to leave 2 and 3 for another day... I honestly truly didn't realise how much gumpf I insist on lugging around with me. Do I really need a broken pencil case in my bag? No. Do I really need so much make-up in my make-up bag? No. Do I really need all my keys colour co-ordinated? Actually, yes. I think I'll stop there.

Now, you must be wondering, are there any morals to this? Well, yes there are:

• Always ensure that if you must travel around with underwear that they are AT ALL TIMES, clean. Alternatively, remove them sooner rather than later from your handbag because if you ever get stopped by the police and they have to go through your handbag, that's going to be a rather blush-worthy event.
• I have evidence that the best anti-robber product on the market is rather cheap and easy to get hold of: Tip-ex all the way ladies and gents, tip-ex all the way.

So, until next time, farewell.