If you built me an ark, I would make a fantastic Noahetta... to some animals that is...

Dear friends and followers, today I write to you about animals, for in the last few days I have had some interesting incidents with man's companions.

Some of them were good, others were not so good.

But first, let me start by saying: if you could build me an ark, I would make a fantastic Noahetta. (For those of you who don't know, Noahetta is the female version of Noah. For obvious reasons, I cannot be a Noah. Nor can I be a Mrs Noah as I do not know any man with a first or last name that rhymes with mower. So, that is how I therefore deduced that I would make a superb Noahetta).

I think that I'd quite like life aboard an ark. After I'd led my animals in two by two I'd lead my friends in two by two and we'd all live happily ever after... Well, that's how it works out in my head.

The reality- I'd imagine, would be highly different. Dad wouldn't want me at the wheel of the boat, especially if I said I was driving it. This would be because 'you cannot drive a boat, Mildred', he would say. 'I've told you time and time again, you Captain it, so you have to wear a hat. You can't call left and right left and right, because when at sea, it is starboard and port. And, in case of an emergency you'd need to be proficient in Morse code in case your mobile phone goes out of range.'

Evidently, Dad doesn't think I'd drive- sorry, Captain, an ark that well. He's probably right. I won't lie. Last time I was in a boat that I Captained, I was in America with my good friends Sara, Brendan and James. Admittedly we weren't in very big boats. In fact, we were actually in very small boats. Well, the definition of boat is being pushed here slightly a lot. We were in a kayak. Sara and me in one and the boys in the other. When we parked the kayak along the stony bank due to calls of nature, Sara and I accidentally dented the front of it because we weren't sure of the correct docking procedure. (It was an accident I'd like to here add). Luckily, we didn't sink when we resumed the boat after business. Whilst one of us was acquanting ourselves with nature, the other 'guarded the boat', though who we were guarding it from is quite a mystery as there was no-one around in the American wilderness. Ahh, such fond memories.

Given that what I have neglected to share with you is that when Sara and I boarded the kayak, we ended going about 50m against the current, before realising we were going the wrong way. Our one saving grace was that we did not get lost (though we had an accidental detour)...

Anyway, I perfectly understand why Dad would have his reservations about me steering the ark to rescue. I think I'd have to leave it to him. I mean, if he can Captain an aeroplane, how tricky could an ark possibly be?

I'd like to think that if Dad went, Mum would go too (because they're a pair after all), but I have a funny feeling that she'd get really bad sea-sickness. And then we've got Graham whose fear of confined spaces would get out of control in that environment. Then we've got my friend Sophie whose spider phobia would be exacerbated due to the close proximity to these eight legged foes.

All in all, it's a recipe for disaster.

But then again, if I were to kind of 'help' the process of natural selection along a bit, would I really need to bring on all those animals whose only purpose in life is to induce fear in humans? For instance, wasps.

Yesterday, I was cruising along at a breezy 50m.p.h with my window half open when all of a sudden WHACK! A great big wasp cannon-balled itself into my car and then got caught in my skirt, all the while buzzing at me angrily, as if I was in the wrong. Sir waspalot, please explain this to me given that I was simply minding my own business when you propelled yourself at me, an innocent human being. It hit my arm with such ferocity that I was left with a huge red splodge on it for over 2 hours. But I have to say, the whole experience was totally alarming as the shock almost caused me to collide with numerous stationary objects (grass by the road in case you were wondering). I had to wriggle about indignantly to get this wasp off me  and then it fell on my seat into prime bottom territory...

But worry not, you'll all be pleased to know that at the traffic lights that were mercifully red, the wasp got knocked unconscious as it was scooped up in a high-heeled court shoe and thrown out of my open door (the wasp that is, not the shoe).

Note: If you are a lover of all animals, you'll be pleased to know that the wasp regained consciousness before making contact with the ground and was able to fly off into the distance, alive. If you are not a lover of all animals, you'll be disappointed.

Later on in that same day, I saw four small rabbits lining the road at various intervals. The fifth one I saw was no bigger than the palm of my hand and was all cute and fluffy. But, it was under attack from a predator. The predator was a magpie, but luckily, due to my unknown recently discovered Noahetta knowledge, I was there at the right place at the right time and Benjamin bunny lived to see another day (ta to Beatrix P for the name).

And yesterday, I saw a giant rat thing the size of a cat! Well, that's not quite true. It was about the size of half a cat- no smaller, but with it's tail, it was the length of our next-door neighbours cat Versace.

So, it is with all these experiences that I have deduced that I have new-found animal magnetism. Unfortunately it does not seem to be for the best. But if you're up to the challenge, feel free to build an ark and I'll see what I can do. Or- as the case may be, I'll see what my Dad can do.

Until next time, Mildred the Noahetta must sail off into the distance to come to the aid of the rest of the animal kingdom.