Oh blast. There's a hole in my wallet... (or at least that's my story and I'm sticking to it).

I write this post to you as a previously wealthy woman. (Usually, Mildred and the term 'wealthy' are not found in the same sentence, but today they are... albeit for the wrong reasons). You see, having just recently had a birthday, I received several paper gifts (better known as money). But the problems with receiving such gifts are paramount:

• It is very easy to become quickly accustomed to this new-found wealth. However, in an instant your pocket can become even lighter than it was before. This is because you make an impulse purchase that you've been desperate to have for months, yet haven't quite managed to scrape together enough coins to make them stretch. Beware of this technique, because when the money's gone, it's gone good and proper.
• In my experience, birthday money seldom makes it into your bank account, which means that it only ever gets spent on unnecessary goods. How many new items of stationary can I possibly need? I must learn to say to myself enough is enough, before I end up penniless. But the problem with this is, I have never to this day followed my own advice. Other people have, and they tell me it's very good, but I'm yet to find out.
• An excess of money in one hit may suddenly make you exceedingly generous, so keep an eye on charitable spending.
• If you accumulate too much money too quickly, it can make your purse bulge and possibly cause it to go out of shape, which would not be good. (This of course depends on the establishment where your purse came from and if they made provisions in the fabric for those wealthier moments in life).
• Often, when you receive birthday money, you may or may not decide to use it to buy 'that new iron', or 'that new notebook'. However, next time these thoughts pop into your head, ask yourself if the money donor thought 'hmmmm, what shall I get them? An iron or some cash?' The question has, in the history of mankind, never been asked.
• Do not under any circumstances use your birthday money to pay off your credit card bill. I have done so in the past and it only leads to disappointment.

So, taking my own advice into account, I decided to treat myself to a few new things and went shopping for the day with my good friends, Ted and Nora. Luckily (you'll be relieved to hear), we all had the day off. There's none of this 'sickie' nonsense for Ted and Nora. Sadly, they've both been afflicted with the condition 'oh-my-goodness-I've-got-a-conscience-itous'. (And naturally, I'd like to here add that I too have this same condition, though I'm not sure if it's the same if you're out of work but looking? That's a grey area, a real grey one).

But anyway, I know what you're all waiting to hear... what did I purchase? Well, I can tell you that I bought six whole items (fortunately they were whole, because otherwise that would not have been cost effective). I bought:

• A packet of hairbands/ hair elastics, because I am very boring. But in all seriousness, I must ask if you are privy to the answer of one of life's greatest mysteries: where oh where do all the hairbands go after you've bought them? I worked it out, that in the last 10 years, I've probably bought over 350 hairbands... and do you know how many I am left with? 4, in a pot at home (evidently not where they needed to be). But please, if you do know the answer to this deep and meaningful philosophical pondering, please do let me know. Ta.
• A new pair of jeans that are truly fabulous. They look absolutely ancient, which means that they are very fashionably perfect (according to my Mum's weekly women's magazine, though they may be wrong as their target audience is 50+). Ted turned around in shock and asked me why I was going to buy a pair of second hand jeans. I told him they were first hand and he was so shocked, he spun around and accidentally knocked over a display tower of t-shirts with his flailing arm that the dude had just finished folding. Yes, it was a blush inducing episode, but I kept my cool... (at least until I saw the price tag)...
• A Jennifer Aniston DVD. (Sshhh, keep this one to yourselves, otherwise I'm sure to lose all my newly gained street cred).
• A book that had over 683 pages and was going on the cheap for £1.00. What a bargain, I thought to myself, so I got myself a bargain. Just don't ask me what it's called, because I didn't concern myself with the title.
• A t-shirt.
• A jumper with strategically placed holes (as well as the ones for the arms and brainal region). Nora thought I was joking. I was being serious. In fact, I'm wearing it right this instant, as I write to you.

Oh, the other thing I wanted to tell you was that yesterday, I road-tested a very small bag that I'd got for my birthday. Surprisingly, I found it to be not too shabby. In fact, I may even ditch the larger carrier in favour of the tiddler (but don't quote me, as this will probably change next week). But all in all, I had a lovely day with Mum and Dad... Whoa, did I just say that out loud? I meant Mum and Dad. No I didn't! I meant Ted and Nora. Yep, Ted and Nora. (NOTE TO SELF: stop talking Mildred, just stop).

Now, I have thought at great length (8 and a 1/2 minutes to be precise) about any morals that I have taken from my trip and they are:

• Take the train for a novelty experience if you are not a frequent railway user as the seats are surprisingly comfy and the scope for gossip is on a par with a nosey-parker's Heaven.
• Always request the gift of the classic, timeless 'cheque', from those who insist on giving money if you wish to have any left a week after your birthday.

Anyway, I'll see you again soon and let you know how my job interview goes. (But quick question: is honesty really the best policy when in a job interview? I think not. I mean, I think so!)

Oh, PS, yes, I confess, my parents were masquerading as my friends Ted and Nora, though in real life they are actually called Ted and Nora...